I don\u2019t feel like writing this; the words seem to weigh a mountain, given the crushing burden I feel I\u2019m carrying, both emotionally and intellectually, at the moment.<\/p>\n
But there\u2019s another reason too. My worn-out, knackered keyboard? No. My eyes playing up? Not even that. But the damage to my neuromotor function, which makes my ability to type more uncertain and clumsy. Yes, I suspect where this is coming from, as I\u2019d been warned: 25 years of migraine attacks and chronic migraines would eventually take their toll. Everything wears out, and the pain accelerates that wear and tear. (And I also have chronic sinusitis, which is getting worse too ; otherwise, it wouldn\u2019t be much fun!)<\/p>\n
But I can\u2019t verify the cause of this symptom. To do that, I\u2019d need to see expensive specialists, which means I\u2019d need health insurance in Switzerland, which means I\u2019d need at least 500 CHF to put towards it, which means I\u2019d need to be able to earn at least 500 CHF a month reliably and consistently.<\/p>\n
Since AIGen came along, it\u2019s become a lost cause. Year in, year out, I used to earn around 1,000 to 1,200 CHF a month. Now, it\u2019s\u2026 300? 400? No, actually, I\u2019m not even going to lie to you \u2013 for the last eight months, it\u2019s been even less than that.<\/p>\n
First, there were the effects of COVID on my fragile health, which were disastrous and started to cause me to build up stress and depression. Then came the arrival of AIGen, which reduced the illustration market to a massive joke and ruined illustrators, myself included, in, what\u2026 six months? Then came the knock-on effects. Less money, so fewer resources to look after my health; unable to get new glasses, so my eyesight deteriorated, so I found it increasingly difficult to draw, which made working uncomfortable, leading to frustration, stress and anxiety, then depression\u2026 and so even less money, even more problems and frustration, self-contempt, anger at myself, muted, yet growing, all-consuming and overwhelming\u2026<\/p>\n
And then, eight months ago, in this series of cascading disasters, another little gem of shit was added to the shite cake. I had an English-speaking friend, a very close friend, the son of Harry Harrison (that\u2019s his pen name; his son\u2019s name is Todd Maxwell Dempsey), the author of the novel Make Room! Make Room!<\/em>, which you\u2019ll know better by its US title: <\/em>Soylent Green<\/em>.<\/em> You would have loved him; he was everything a humanist, a progressive, a lover of the human race and a fierce defender of the noblest ideals of inclusivity, respect and humanism could be. He was into role-playing \u2013 both tabletop and in virtual worlds \u2013 and he had a sort of paternal, mentor-like aura that worked every time. I had a very close bond with him, and there was\u2026 er\u2026 no, there wasn\u2019t a single subject on which we didn\u2019t see eye to eye.<\/p>\n And he died, aged 70, on 6 November 2025, of a heart attack, without having time to see it coming. A death that\u2019s actually rather enviable, and I\u2019m glad he died that way.<\/p>\n But it devastated me. Talking about it, especially now that I\u2019m feeling terribly fragile and shattered, still brings burning tears to my eyes. He lived in the US, in California; not only do I not have a penny to go and pay my last respects, but since 2025, I reckon that if I try to set foot in the US, I\u2019ll end up in one of their camps. And anyway\u2026 he\u2019s dead\u2026 my being there wouldn\u2019t change a thing.<\/p>\n This silent grieving is, in a way, the final blow needed to finish burying me, and it has shattered something inside me that was just waiting to break. My spirits have plummeted; I\u2019ve suffered a bout of depression, and I\u2019m still in the thick of it. The symptoms of neuromotor damage have started to appear unmistakably, giving me the impression that I\u2019m becoming dyslexic again, but in fact it\u2019s my manual coordination that\u2019s becoming more difficult.<\/p>\n I\u2019ve only been drawing on commission \u2013 the few commissions I\u2019ve had \u2013 and I\u2019ve hardly written at all. When I stop creating, it means I\u2019ve stopped dreaming; when I stop dreaming, you can bet your bottom dollar that I\u2019m dying inside. And that\u2019s exactly where I am right now, caught in a terrible, all-consuming downward spiral: no strength left to really fight, so no money, so no way to get treatment or sort out the most urgent health issues, so no way to get better and regain that much-needed strength.<\/p>\n And I don\u2019t know how to get out of this. But I have to get out of it. It\u2019s driving my Angel to despair, it\u2019s upsetting my family, it\u2019s worrying my friends, and as for me\u2026 it\u2019s killing me.<\/p>\n That\u2019s it. Stay strong and love one another, everyone.<\/p>\n <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I don\u2019t feel like writing this; the words seem to weigh a mountain, given the crushing burden I feel I\u2019m<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":52,"featured_media":6938,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"colormag_page_container_layout":"default_layout","colormag_page_sidebar_layout":"default_layout","_jetpack_newsletter_access":"","_jetpack_dont_email_post_to_subs":false,"_jetpack_newsletter_tier_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paywalled_content":false,"_jetpack_feature_clip_id":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","default_image_id":0,"font":"","enabled":false},"version":2},"jetpack_post_was_ever_published":false},"categories":[551,40,11],"tags":[242,544,407,119,18],"class_list":["post-6947","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-autres-creations","category-humeur","category-blog","tag-bouet","tag-english","tag-humeur","tag-psychee","tag-travail"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/07\/Leonid_Pasternak_-_The_Passion_of_creation.jpg?fit=642%2C498&ssl=1","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"jetpack_shortlink":"https:\/\/wp.me\/p2iISD-1O3","jetpack-related-posts":[{"id":668,"url":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/migraine-en-dessin\/","url_meta":{"origin":6947,"position":0},"title":"migraine en dessin","author":"Psychee","date":"7 octobre 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Pas besoin de commenter plus. \u00a0 \u00a0","rel":"","context":"Dans "Humeur"","block_context":{"text":"Humeur","link":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/category\/non-classe\/humeur\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/migraine.jpg?fit=800%2C1132&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/migraine.jpg?fit=800%2C1132&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/migraine.jpg?fit=800%2C1132&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/10\/migraine.jpg?fit=800%2C1132&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":135,"url":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/idees-bizarres-passant-dans-un-esprit-fatigue\/","url_meta":{"origin":6947,"position":1},"title":"id\u00e9es bizarres passant dans un esprit fatigu\u00e9…","author":"Psychee","date":"17 mars 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"On ne dirait pas qu'il a un vieux balais \u00e0 r\u00e9curer greff\u00e9 sur la t\u00eate?","rel":"","context":"Dans "Humeur"","block_context":{"text":"Humeur","link":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/category\/non-classe\/humeur\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/03\/dada12.jpg?fit=1113%2C650&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/03\/dada12.jpg?fit=1113%2C650&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/03\/dada12.jpg?fit=1113%2C650&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/03\/dada12.jpg?fit=1113%2C650&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/03\/dada12.jpg?fit=1113%2C650&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":133,"url":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/le-top-moumoute-du-jour\/","url_meta":{"origin":6947,"position":2},"title":"Le top moumoute du jour","author":"Psychee","date":"17 mars 2010","format":false,"excerpt":"Quatre heures de sommeil dans la face, et un dessin qui ne peut pas attendre que je cesse de rejouer Land of the Dead pour l'avancer, vu que le client voudrait voir une maquette dans la soir\u00e9e. Des fois, dormir, c'est un bon plan...","rel":"","context":"Dans "Humeur"","block_context":{"text":"Humeur","link":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/category\/non-classe\/humeur\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2010\/03\/dada11-350x218.jpg?resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200},"classes":[]},{"id":1692,"url":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/autoportrait-matinal\/","url_meta":{"origin":6947,"position":3},"title":"Autoportrait matinal","author":"axelle Bouet","date":"17 ao\u00fbt 2014","format":false,"excerpt":"Parce que quitte \u00e0 avoir la t\u00eate dans le fondement, et attaquer une journ\u00e9e migraine, autant en faire quelque chose.... Et je me suis faite la tronche autant de travers que je l'ai sans doutes en live ce matin !... Promis, j'en ferai un moins trash, un jour.","rel":"","context":"Dans "Humeur"","block_context":{"text":"Humeur","link":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/category\/non-classe\/humeur\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/axelle-reveil.jpg?fit=1200%2C849&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/axelle-reveil.jpg?fit=1200%2C849&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/axelle-reveil.jpg?fit=1200%2C849&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/axelle-reveil.jpg?fit=1200%2C849&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2014\/08\/axelle-reveil.jpg?fit=1200%2C849&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]},{"id":638,"url":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/reveil\/","url_meta":{"origin":6947,"position":4},"title":"R\u00e9veil","author":"Psychee","date":"7 octobre 2012","format":false,"excerpt":"Enfin, si on veut. Mais j'ai pas le courage de m\u2019appesantir sur ce long silence, et ses raisons. Juste... profitez de mon retour, je dois r\u00e9veiller ma main, et mon trait, alors, je fais des choses simples, pour le moment. L'expression de ce personnage... mouais... je dois avoir la m\u00eame,\u2026","rel":"","context":"Dans "Humeur"","block_context":{"text":"Humeur","link":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/category\/non-classe\/humeur\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/04\/07-10.jpg?fit=800%2C1132&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/04\/07-10.jpg?fit=800%2C1132&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/04\/07-10.jpg?fit=800%2C1132&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/04\/07-10.jpg?fit=800%2C1132&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x"},"classes":[]},{"id":2590,"url":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/au-sujet-de-rebelle-edition\/","url_meta":{"origin":6947,"position":5},"title":"Au sujet de Rebelle Edition","author":"axelle Bouet","date":"5 juin 2015","format":false,"excerpt":"Je ne commenterai pas le texte qui va suivre et qui peut \u00eatre trouv\u00e9 sur leur page facebook, mais l'aveu partiel de l'erreur commise me parait bien assez notable pour en faire un article. Ce n'est pas commun \u00e0 tout le monde de s'excuser d'avoir merd\u00e9, c'est donc tout \u00e0\u2026","rel":"","context":"Dans "Humeur"","block_context":{"text":"Humeur","link":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/category\/non-classe\/humeur\/"},"img":{"alt_text":"","src":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/rebelle.jpg?fit=1100%2C400&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200","width":350,"height":200,"srcset":"https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/rebelle.jpg?fit=1100%2C400&ssl=1&resize=350%2C200 1x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/rebelle.jpg?fit=1100%2C400&ssl=1&resize=525%2C300 1.5x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/rebelle.jpg?fit=1100%2C400&ssl=1&resize=700%2C400 2x, https:\/\/i0.wp.com\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-content\/uploads\/2015\/06\/rebelle.jpg?fit=1100%2C400&ssl=1&resize=1050%2C600 3x"},"classes":[]}],"jetpack_likes_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6947","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/52"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=6947"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6947\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":6948,"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/6947\/revisions\/6948"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/6938"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=6947"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=6947"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.psychee.org\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=6947"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}